My not so blog-worthy life…

Hello dear ones.  It’s been a long time, I know. Going to try to give you the gist of what’s been going on.

Last time was the  Halloween contest, which was fantastic!  If you haven’t read the Halloween stories, up top of my blog there are titles, one says “My Halloween Contest”–that’s all the entries for my contest.  The winner, Fatima, won my green Franken-monster. I just got a picture of Fatima and Frank, they look happy together!!!

Since then, I’ve finished my Ash CareBear.  Just in case it doesn’t ring a bell, he’s patterned after this CareBear drawying by yayzus

Evil_Dead_Ash_care_bear_by_4unt3r     AshCareBear,Kim's Sticks and Strings

He’s about 12″ tall standing, but he can sit as well.   His bloody chainsaw and “boomstick” are made of polymer clay, but the rest is yarn/thread.  I really enjoyed making him, I really do love the different things folks ask me to make.  I shared him with the deviantART artist, he dug him!

Also working on a skull pattern, one that can be closed or left open.  I’ve only made one, and she was a learning experience, but I decided she was cool enough that I needed her to be my first sugar skull of my own entire design.  Here she is

my sugar skull, Kim's Sticks and Strings

 

Definitely a learning experience, now I need to make a few changes, and make sure to sew in the eyes before closing the bottom.   This skull pattern has been eluding me for awhile, which bothers me.  I can make an Ash CareBear in a few days’ time but the skull keeps me at a distance. Partly because I’ve been wanting to create one that can be left open, or close it, maybe that’s harder to do.  Also, I’ve been fighting with stylistic and realistic.  At some point I want to make a realistic looking skull. I just know it will be a big labor of love, and then I probably won’t want to stuff it.  Realistic skull on the back burner, I’m sure it will take me a few weeks once I start it…back burner for sure.

Regular old life is keeping me on my toes, I guess.    Near the end of September, my husband, who has always had some anxiety and depression issues, but to the extent I did not know, really started to feel more hopeless.  He’s been out of work for a bit, and things haven’t felt quite right for him.  One Wednesday, while at work, I got a call from him, saying that he’s been feeling really down lately, and in the last day or so, didn’t have too many reasons to stick around.  For many years, he’s said I was the thing keeping him going at it day in and day out.  He didn’t want me to come home and find him.  But very recently, he’d had a harder time.  He went into the ER, and was there Wednesday afternoon through Friday night.  The doctors tried to get him to sign out, take home some light anti-anxiety meds, and call it good.  He still wasn’t convinced that he felt “better” and so went into an inpatient facility from Friday night through Monday.  There he got to see a doc, and a therapist daily, and was prescribed stronger meds, with a regular schedule.  Right now he’s on Klonapin,  twice a day,which is pretty strong, and Zoloft.  He’s not a fan of the Zoloft, he says it makes him feel a bit edgy, and he thinks his panic attacks have increased since being on it…there have been a few, usually when I’m not with him.  Then he takes something to help calm him, and that makes him sleepy.  He’s still getting used to the meds, though I’m hoping they’ll decrease the Klonapin a bit, he’s always has a hard time staying focused on some tasks, but lately he’s having more of the issues with walking into a room for something, and completely losing his original intent.  It’s bothering him some.

I’ve avoided dealing with it for over a month now.  It’s really easy to do.  I just get involved with day to day stuff, job 3 times a week, my crochet orders, and regular chores.  If I just stuff it away, I won’t have to really think that at one point, my husband could have decided that he wouldn’t maybe feel quite as bad if I found his body.  I didn’t know it was that bad.  He isn’t exactly forthcoming about that stuff,  emotions and feelings and whatnot.   He comes from an original family with issues, his mum shouldn’t have been a mum, his parents had problems and divorced, and his mother did what many do, threw all her rage for her husband at my husband.  She’s terrible, I’ve met her and dislike her to my core.  So, he’s got anxiety, which he used to stave off by extreme mountain biking, long ago, but after breaking his heel, that’s really not an option. He used to fish more, I think he needs that outlet again, probably next year since it’s already fall now.    He says a job will help, though with the meds, I worry.  He’s got an interview for a gig in a couple days, the commute is 2 1/2 hours, one way.  I don’t know how I feel about it, but he wants to try, so of course I’ll let him.

Daily I worry.  Some days I come home and the house is clean, and dinner is nearly ready, and he feels good.  We message back and forth, and it’s a good day.  Other days he tells me it’s an “Everyone Can Go Fuck Themselves” day, he’s struggled to get a few things done, and says he feels like an 8 year old who wants to run away.   I just have to take each day as it comes, and it’s hard.  I go to work before he’s offiically awake, so I never know what to do to try to ensure it’s a good day, and I know I can’t, but I so want to try.  And I’m tired.  I am trying really hard not to worry, but it’s what I do.  I’ve always been a worrier.  As a child I worried if what I did would cause my mother to yell, now I worry I haven’t been upbeat enough. I know rationally my worrying can’t do anything, except give me the headaches and neckaches I’ve had for a few weeks now,  but it’s something I’ve done all my life.  I’ve worried all my life about how my actions would affect/anger others, and changed myself because I was worried what could happen.  And I’m tired of it.  Other people seem to get through the day without worrying, hell, without caring at all how their actions affect others.  There has to be a happy medium for me.

Through all this, I have had a few friends that knew all about this, and I am SO thankful for them.  Just being able to say things to someone else is a relief.    I feel a bit eggshell-y at home sometimes, so my friends who help me through this are amazing.  I love you all, you know who you are!  Hell, my boss’ mum gets lots of love though this too!!!  Not only was she at work the day the husband called me and went to the hospital, but she asks every couple of days about him, lets me vent, and is very lovely!  The most amazing individual is my dog Penny Crane.   She seems to know when he’s having a hard time.  He usually goes to his bed and covers up, she goes to him, and lies next to him .  She’s the one individual he will attend to daily.  She kind of demands it.  She wants to play ball, like…every minute she is awake.  BUT, when she senses he needs it, goes and lies down with him, no matter the time of day, or how long.  She is amazing.  I love her very much.

PennyCrane and Brainy

 

So…this is what has been keeping me from blogging.  None of my work was really blog-worthy, really, in my head.  I wasn’t outraged by anyone stealing or being rude.   And my husband was having some emotional troubles and dealing with it all is hard.  Still is.  I cried while writing this entire blog. and while I know that I really need to deal with it more, I’m kind of tired of blowing my nose, and wiping my tears.  I’m hopefully done crying today, though some of you usually comment, so I’ll cry again. But it’s the weekend, and I don’t want to cry on my days off.   So know you’ll probably hear more about this.  Right now I’m gonna get some more coffee and put on a horror flick, try to get lost in yarn…

Keep it creepy!!!

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13 thoughts on “My not so blog-worthy life…

  1. Oh, Kim! I am so sorry to read about your husband’s troubles! I had no idea that he suffered from anxiety and depression. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you to deal with it on a daily basis, not knowing what kind of mood he’s going to be in from day to day. I wish I were an expert on these matters and be able to say something terribly clever to help, but I’m afraid that only the individual can ‘snap’ (if that is the correct word on this occasion) out of it. There are a few members of my family who suffer from it too, but they are all in Spain and I’ve never had to deal with it, as I left for England when I was 18.

    I really hope that your hubby finds a job and that he will feel needed and worthy again, to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. He is lucky that he has you and your beautiful dog, who sounds really amazing, but at the end of the day, it’s all inside his head and only he can get it out by being more positive. I think fishing is a great idea. My husband fishes most of the time when we are away, as this is the one thing that really relaxes him and the best way for him to forget the pressures of work and life in general.

    It really pains me to the core and I just want you to know that you’re one of the most amazing people I know and I admire you greatly. Try and stay strong and share special moments with your husband, just the two of you, take pictures and make an album. We are always looking at the wonderful things we have done together, even when we didn’t have any money, when I got pregnant and was fired and he was only working part-time, but despite everything, we were happy and it made us stronger.

    I hope you know how much you are loved by all your fans and friends on FB and Twitter, I can see it from their posts, so take comfort in that and draw strength from that love. You have an amazing talent and you will prevail and overcome this. I wish I could talk to you in person and give you a big hug. Be strong. Be you!

    Lots of love

    Fatima

    PS Really really loving my Frankenstein spawn. I will treasure it forever. 🙂

    • Fatima,
      You are wonderful, and amazing, and I appreciate you so very much! Most days are pretty good, but I realized that I also don’t take time to take stock in how I feel regularly, I’ve spent a good deal of time getting through. Most days that I’m home are better days for him. I think the human interaction is a bit of a necessity. Also I know that not getting paid is hard for him, he feels like he’s not contributing. He definitely needs a job, for all kinds of reasons. He goes on Monday for his interview.
      In all of this, I am learning how wonderful my friends, like you, are. I am so very happy to find others who are so thoughtful and accepting. My friends are making the harder things lighter and easier.
      And I really really am so glad you lke your monster!!! That give me GREAT happiness!!!
      Hugs, Kim

      • I just thought that another idea to get him out of the house whilst looking for a paid job, would be to do some volunteering work. I did this at my son’s school when he was 4 years old and then I was given the chance to train as a Teaching Assistant. I did this this course and then I got a paid job at the same school. Since then, I’ve become a teacher in my own right. Quite often, doing things for others also help us in return; if nothing else, you get that feel-goof feeling about yourself and make friends into the bargain.

        Best of luck with everything. ❤

      • I thank you, and we are looking for some volunteer work for him…He was thinking of trying to find some group of folks who also don’t get much outside contact, since those 5 days he was in a hospital, there were folks who didn’t get visitors, and how sad that would have been to him.
        Hugs

  2. You are both extremely creative and intelligent people. Unfortunately, I think emotional and mental troubles bother intelligent people more often than those who aren’t so intelligent. I suspect it usually encompasses an internal struggle between the head and heart. You do both need your creative outlets!!! Even if you have to find new ones. Not as a replacement for dealing with things, but as an additional way to help cope and not dwell on negativity. The people that matter will continue to be your support system and EVERYone needs one of those too! If you ever feel you don’t have one, then don’t be afraid to reach out. True friends don’t always know what is going on either, just as you didn’t know how it was for your husband, but they will never judge you or think badly on you!!! You are loved and cared about more than you’ll ever know. Virtual hugs can’t express enough how valuable a person you are in my life.

    • I thank you, so very much, my friend. You have no idea how appreciative I am of you. You help keep me grounded, and have given me a sounding board, and the kind words when I needed them. In a time when I was so very overwhelmed you helped keep me together, and I thank you from the bottom of my twisted heart.
      So much love.

  3. Ahhh, Kimmie, I will keep you in my thoughts. Tell your husband to hang in there. I, too, suffered from fairly severe depression issues and it was pretty bleak for a time. When they eventually get the meds right, which is a tricky thing, it does get manageable. At least it did for me. I know the people around the depressed person suffer a lot, too, so I feel for you. I will be sending good thoughts your way!

    • Thank you, John! The meds thing will take some time. Already being on them for over a month I can see some change for the better, but he’s still sluggish, and has a lot of days that are just “meh” about everything. Luckily they’re usually flanked by better days. so the lower periods are shorter. It’s kind of a life alterring thing, so I’m learning new things to help him, and hopefully myself too.
      I do really appreciate you, and my other friends, helping me feel not so alone. 🙂

  4. I wish I could kick bloody depression and anxiety in the balls with a steel capped boot with a rusty nail dipped in staph attached to it … or maybe a chainsaw made from rusty nails. And now for some reason I’m imagining a unicorn kicking the crap out of them.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you have wonderful and loving people around you and your amazing dog, Penny Crane. I have two little dogs and they are my superheroes 🙂 Sending positive thoughts your way as well.

    P. S. I LOVE your Ash bear and your sugar skull. The polymer clay chainsaw and gun are awesome and I’m always amazed by your embroidery skills! ❤

    • Kim
      I thank you so much! I wish for the unicorn to kick the crap out of depression anxiety too, that would be awesome to see! Like I told another friend, we’re making some life changes, so it takes a bit,but it’s all important. And the dogs are superheroes, but Penny really is his dog, and I am ever so glad that we have them, and that she has taken up the role of his protector, makes me feel better when I’m out in the world.
      And thank you about the Ash Bear. I love him too, my first bear with legs like that. And his chainsaw is my favorite. Now I want all the spawn to have chainsaws, and maybe afro wigs like Zombie Jimi

  5. Poor guy. He always seems like such an awesome person whenever I’ve seen his comments on your Facebook – the world would be a much less interesting place without him. At least he seems to have his head screwed on correctly (have you been Frankensteining people not just yarn? ;)) and got help when he really needed it. I can’t even begin to understand because it’s not something I’ve ever had experience of, but if you ever need to just all out rant you know where to find me. You need to look after yourself as well *hugs*.

    It might sound a bit twee, but has he considered writing as an outlet? I know a few people with other issues who started writing as a way to distract themselves, and this month is NaNoWrMo (National Novel Writing Month I think it stands for – the idea is to write a 40k word book of some kind in the month). If he’s not going out to work it could be a good challenge for him, plus it gives him something to talk about at interviews that might make him stand out a little, and if he does complete something he could always stick it on the Kindle store on Amazon as a cheap ebook for a punt. Even if he’s writing his life story as therapy or some fancy little ladida silly story it might help. If he’s the creative writing kind anyway lol.

    I love your carebear and your skull by the way – I’m doing a Day of the Dead project with some of my students so I’m geeking out over Sugar Skulls at the moment lol. Your little skull keyring you sent me as my prize is on my school handbag too – it really brightens my day when I clock sight of it 🙂 x

  6. Hello sweets ♥ just got round to reading your blog! been to tired to read anything lately! why! because Ive been stressed out about my hubby too…I said to him the other day, “what you thinking about” dying he says….yep Kim your not alone, its like the government have let of a depression bomb! am I paranoid ha maybe! I feel like its my fault his depressed, just like a mother feels guilty if a child has problems…But we are only human, like you i ache’s and pains due to being to tense, feel worn out every day, and I have my own issues to deal with, whos going to mother me! for fuck shake cant he see that when he’s down, it brings me down too. I say to myself “fuck it” get your head into your chores and hooking, and pretend life is a bowl of cherries………ummm this sounds familiar! So I say shit happens, sort your self out first Trace, then I can cope with him later. People all ways say…..look after yourself, cos no one else will!? ♫

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