Hello dear ones. It’s been a long time, I know. Going to try to give you the gist of what’s been going on.
Last time was the Halloween contest, which was fantastic! If you haven’t read the Halloween stories, up top of my blog there are titles, one says “My Halloween Contest”–that’s all the entries for my contest. The winner, Fatima, won my green Franken-monster. I just got a picture of Fatima and Frank, they look happy together!!!
Since then, I’ve finished my Ash CareBear. Just in case it doesn’t ring a bell, he’s patterned after this CareBear drawying by yayzus
He’s about 12″ tall standing, but he can sit as well. His bloody chainsaw and “boomstick” are made of polymer clay, but the rest is yarn/thread. I really enjoyed making him, I really do love the different things folks ask me to make. I shared him with the deviantART artist, he dug him!
Also working on a skull pattern, one that can be closed or left open. I’ve only made one, and she was a learning experience, but I decided she was cool enough that I needed her to be my first sugar skull of my own entire design. Here she is
Definitely a learning experience, now I need to make a few changes, and make sure to sew in the eyes before closing the bottom. This skull pattern has been eluding me for awhile, which bothers me. I can make an Ash CareBear in a few days’ time but the skull keeps me at a distance. Partly because I’ve been wanting to create one that can be left open, or close it, maybe that’s harder to do. Also, I’ve been fighting with stylistic and realistic. At some point I want to make a realistic looking skull. I just know it will be a big labor of love, and then I probably won’t want to stuff it. Realistic skull on the back burner, I’m sure it will take me a few weeks once I start it…back burner for sure.
Regular old life is keeping me on my toes, I guess. Near the end of September, my husband, who has always had some anxiety and depression issues, but to the extent I did not know, really started to feel more hopeless. He’s been out of work for a bit, and things haven’t felt quite right for him. One Wednesday, while at work, I got a call from him, saying that he’s been feeling really down lately, and in the last day or so, didn’t have too many reasons to stick around. For many years, he’s said I was the thing keeping him going at it day in and day out. He didn’t want me to come home and find him. But very recently, he’d had a harder time. He went into the ER, and was there Wednesday afternoon through Friday night. The doctors tried to get him to sign out, take home some light anti-anxiety meds, and call it good. He still wasn’t convinced that he felt “better” and so went into an inpatient facility from Friday night through Monday. There he got to see a doc, and a therapist daily, and was prescribed stronger meds, with a regular schedule. Right now he’s on Klonapin, twice a day,which is pretty strong, and Zoloft. He’s not a fan of the Zoloft, he says it makes him feel a bit edgy, and he thinks his panic attacks have increased since being on it…there have been a few, usually when I’m not with him. Then he takes something to help calm him, and that makes him sleepy. He’s still getting used to the meds, though I’m hoping they’ll decrease the Klonapin a bit, he’s always has a hard time staying focused on some tasks, but lately he’s having more of the issues with walking into a room for something, and completely losing his original intent. It’s bothering him some.
I’ve avoided dealing with it for over a month now. It’s really easy to do. I just get involved with day to day stuff, job 3 times a week, my crochet orders, and regular chores. If I just stuff it away, I won’t have to really think that at one point, my husband could have decided that he wouldn’t maybe feel quite as bad if I found his body. I didn’t know it was that bad. He isn’t exactly forthcoming about that stuff, emotions and feelings and whatnot. He comes from an original family with issues, his mum shouldn’t have been a mum, his parents had problems and divorced, and his mother did what many do, threw all her rage for her husband at my husband. She’s terrible, I’ve met her and dislike her to my core. So, he’s got anxiety, which he used to stave off by extreme mountain biking, long ago, but after breaking his heel, that’s really not an option. He used to fish more, I think he needs that outlet again, probably next year since it’s already fall now. He says a job will help, though with the meds, I worry. He’s got an interview for a gig in a couple days, the commute is 2 1/2 hours, one way. I don’t know how I feel about it, but he wants to try, so of course I’ll let him.
Daily I worry. Some days I come home and the house is clean, and dinner is nearly ready, and he feels good. We message back and forth, and it’s a good day. Other days he tells me it’s an “Everyone Can Go Fuck Themselves” day, he’s struggled to get a few things done, and says he feels like an 8 year old who wants to run away. I just have to take each day as it comes, and it’s hard. I go to work before he’s offiically awake, so I never know what to do to try to ensure it’s a good day, and I know I can’t, but I so want to try. And I’m tired. I am trying really hard not to worry, but it’s what I do. I’ve always been a worrier. As a child I worried if what I did would cause my mother to yell, now I worry I haven’t been upbeat enough. I know rationally my worrying can’t do anything, except give me the headaches and neckaches I’ve had for a few weeks now, but it’s something I’ve done all my life. I’ve worried all my life about how my actions would affect/anger others, and changed myself because I was worried what could happen. And I’m tired of it. Other people seem to get through the day without worrying, hell, without caring at all how their actions affect others. There has to be a happy medium for me.
Through all this, I have had a few friends that knew all about this, and I am SO thankful for them. Just being able to say things to someone else is a relief. I feel a bit eggshell-y at home sometimes, so my friends who help me through this are amazing. I love you all, you know who you are! Hell, my boss’ mum gets lots of love though this too!!! Not only was she at work the day the husband called me and went to the hospital, but she asks every couple of days about him, lets me vent, and is very lovely! The most amazing individual is my dog Penny Crane. She seems to know when he’s having a hard time. He usually goes to his bed and covers up, she goes to him, and lies next to him . She’s the one individual he will attend to daily. She kind of demands it. She wants to play ball, like…every minute she is awake. BUT, when she senses he needs it, goes and lies down with him, no matter the time of day, or how long. She is amazing. I love her very much.
So…this is what has been keeping me from blogging. None of my work was really blog-worthy, really, in my head. I wasn’t outraged by anyone stealing or being rude. And my husband was having some emotional troubles and dealing with it all is hard. Still is. I cried while writing this entire blog. and while I know that I really need to deal with it more, I’m kind of tired of blowing my nose, and wiping my tears. I’m hopefully done crying today, though some of you usually comment, so I’ll cry again. But it’s the weekend, and I don’t want to cry on my days off. So know you’ll probably hear more about this. Right now I’m gonna get some more coffee and put on a horror flick, try to get lost in yarn…
Keep it creepy!!!