My job is ending, but my business is really beginning…

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Hello Lovelies! I’m here!  I’ve not abandoned my blog, though, to be honest, I had toyed with it.  I was feeling overwhelmed with life, and just the fact that there was a blog, that hadn’t been updated in a long time, was just sitting … not being updated… it mocked me.  Really, it did. But, I’ve come back. 

Quick update,  the company I work for has been purchased. For awhile, it was going to be refinanced, and then some potential buyers came by, but we were told it was a formality. I really hate being lied to, so I’ve had lots of grouchiness about working for a couple of old guys who were just trying to find a good deal for themselves, but lying to the people whose lives it would really affect.  I wish they would have owned their greediness, told the truth. It would have sucked anyway, but giving false hope really sucks.  We had hired a girl, literally 19,  to take the place of the old guy, but her life changed and she quit after 2 weeks.  Since March my schedule has been crazy, and I’ve been working most of the weekends, and it just sucked.  They finally hired another person, but now we all have to re-apply for our jobs if we want them, and I’m not sure I want to work for the new company. They expect us to “sell more” and will have quotas for us to meet, ugh. I’m thinking it may be time to look for a different job.

Just a few of the things I’ve made since my last post…

the_madness_begins shadowfaery 1klowncocooncollage 1RedBud_Goodbye_Collage

 

I’m taking a big step this year. I’m getting some help with my business. I want to do more than just custom orders,   I want my business to grow some, I want to grow as a person, and a business owner.

I am nearly frozen when speaking to people about what I do.  I’ve always had a fear of public speaking, as a kid, when I had to give presentations in school, all my friends told me I turned bright red, nearly glowed, there was a particular presentation in 10th grade, I was wearing yellow, and the red apparently lit up the yellow…ugh.  When it comes to speaking about my creations, you’d think I’d have an easier time, it’s what I love. But no.  Even if someone I know asks what I make,  it’s difficult for me to even get out the words “I create one of a kind art dolls.” It comes out more like “uh, I uh, you know, make dolls, usually, uh, creepy…”  Happily, there’s usually a computer around, and I log in and show my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/KimsCreepyCreations and things are better. I usually just let them scroll through the pictures and then things are easier.  I’ve never spoken to a business about selling some of my work at their shop, hell, I’ve never sold anything at a fair or convention of any type. I’m absolutely terrified. In my head what happens is a bunch of older ladies come by  and tell my my work isn’t good, and people like pretty things, what’s wrong with me. (Actually some older ladies  have said those things to me, I was working on zombies in a cafe, I used to do that some, and at different visits, there would be an older lady who would tell me that while my stitches were nice, and the work was well done, they were ugly. Clearly not my niche, and probably not going to be at a convention,  but they’re in my head, for now.  The world would not end if I sat somewhere with dolls I’d made and NOT sold one, I’d feel embarrassed as hell and it would probably feel like the end. I don’t know if I could have that happen much more than once.

BUT, I also have dreams. As scared as I am to speak to people, I am terrified that if I don’t ever give real effort to my business, if I don’t ever really try, I’d regret it.  I don’t have huge dreams of world domination…not right now at least… but I want to be able to face real people, I want to learn to market these guys, I love them, and others seem to also. I’d like to go to cool conventions up and down the coast and be excited to go and see people who will want my dolls. There are some other ideas brewing, but I’m actually going to be taking classes, and checking out different fairs and conventions in the area, once I learn to tell people face to face that I make creepy and fantastical dolls and they are going to want one.  That is my plan for this year. I’ll be sharing what’s going on with me here, at least that’s my plan… best laid plans of mice and all…

Well that’s that. I still need a bit of money coming in, so will look into another part time gig, but always looking to that time when I can say, “you know, I appreciated that you gave me a job, but my business is really taking off, and I don’t really need to work this job anymore. Thank you, and here’s my two-week’s notice.” THAT is my dream.

Keep it creepy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crochet and work, not all that interesting…

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I  realized it was about time to add another installment of my weird life in, so here I am.

Still haven’t hired anyone at work to take the place of the old guy. I saw him last week, he says he’s up and getting better, just didn’t think he needed to work anymore, too… He IS like 83, so good on him. he can go home and hang out.  Now I won’t have to regularly apologize for someone weekly, which is lovely.  Last week I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, which wouldn’t normally be terrible, but I do prefer to work  Monday, Wednesday, Friday.  I’m  SUCH a creature of habit.  Really.  I’m also a pretty big introvert, so I also like to be able to count on my “alone time” or “home time” as being at a certain time, so I know when I can re-charge.  So having a pretty set schedule makes it easier.  This week I asked to have a day off in the middle of my work days, so I’m working Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. The Saturday off will be nice, AND Sunday we close at 3 pm, which is usually when everything starts to slow down for the day anyway.  I really don’t dislike my job, I just wish that people didn’t feel the need to tell me “they whys” of their lives. If you can’t pay your bill now, just say that. I don’t need to know why. Just ask for how long you’ve got to pay it, how much the bill will be by then, and we’ll end our discussion, you having NOT divulged too much info, and me not feeling like I know waaaay too much private shit about a perfect stranger.  If you need a storage unit, cool, let’s talk about the size, and you can tell me whether you want one or not, I DON’T want to know about how several people in your family have had illnesses and are in smaller places and have give you their furniture and now you’ve got to deal with it, and your kids and your husband and your sister’s cheating boyfriend… Seriously, I get to hear all this crap!  Sadly, because there is pertinent information in their stories, lost jobs, incomes, people in the families who are, say, unscrupulous, I have to pay attention,  and add stuff into their files so that everyone with account access has the same information… And some of our customers come with a new story each time they see/call us, all prepped and ready, like they’ve got  to unload it and we’re good enough.  One lady came in and asked where my co-worker was, she was having a bad day, and my co-worker always listened… I told her we’re down one person, so we’re split up, and kept typing. I was NOT going to be this lady’s therapist.  I asked her if there was any part of her account I could help her with, she said no.  I then told her that I was going to get back to the certified mail, so I could make sure it went out for the day, and that she should have a really nice day.  She looked a bit confused, but left. Huzzah!  When I work every other day, and then have 2 off, these expulsions of personal crap don’t seem to bother me as much, I get one day of too much info, and then one day to myself, it purges the system of all that nicely. I really can’t wait to go back to my regular schedule.

The upside of lots of days off together is time to stretch out chores, and I get to string together some creating time, which is cool.  I am currently working on a faerie for the lovely De’Anna.  She gave me some pictures she liked parts of, and told me she loved pink, and that’s all the constraints, yay! So here’s what I’ve got so far…

ImageImage

When I was creating her body, I was looking at faery pictures, but when I want to create what she is the faery of, I start looking for items, elements in nature.  The super pale pink her skin reminded me of those first flowers you see in trees at the end of winter, beginning of spring. The trees are bare, the wood is dark, everything is dead. But then, there’s this pink bud on the tree… then a few…  Then suddenly the tree is bursting with pink.  I decided she’s the First Bloom Faery.  She goes around, spreading her magic right about the time that winter is nearly done, making way for all the lovely first-blooms of spring.  The Redbud tree is one of the first trees to bloom each year, and I decided that would be her name.

Redbud Flowers redbud-blossoms-spring-13933851

I am completely enjoying making this spawn.  Her body type is a bit different than my usual work, and she’s not a monster, which is also fun.  I’m finding I even like pink some now…  After Redbud is finished, I have a quick zombie cat to make, and then I think I’m going to work on a few things that have been rattling around in my head for a bit…

Well now, that’s pretty much it… Nothing spectacular going on, though I do seem to have a burst of ideas scratching around I’d like to try to create…which means I’ll need to get back to creating. I’ve also begun thinking about some things I’m going to create for near easter, and international yarn-bomb day, June 7, 2014 will come quicker than I plan, I just know it.  So, well, that’s about that.

Keep it creepy fiends!!!

Just another week… some work, some rant…

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Hello dear ones! 

Brainy by Kim's Sticks and Strings

Last week I was finishing Mikey the ninja turtle. He’s all done, and a few days in the mail already–He’s on his way to Ontario, Canada, so he takes a bit of time. Here he is if you hadn’t seen him.

mike the ninja turtle by kim's sticks and strings

I’ve started Zombie Lucille Ball and there will be a Zombie Ricky Ricardo.  I’ve been daydreaming about this order for a few weeks.  Jill is cool enough to give me lots of freedom in making them. She didn’t even tell me what age, or what they should wear… which, I might add, is amazing!  She’s tall, 9″ tall so far without hair and shoes… Did I tell you I’m going to make shoes? Not crochet shoes. she’s Lucille Ball!  I’m going to attempt polymer clay shoes…crazy, yes, I know.  It could go well, they could just fall apart…both have happened in my head already, so I’m prepared for either…

Have had a few new ideas for upcoming spawn. I can’t do anything about them for a couple months. which is probably good. Some of the ideas need some mulling around…  I really need to figure out a way to wake up and be  “ready to work.” I could totally use a few 10-12 hour creating sessions.  That’s not really something that I get too often, but it could be nice.

♥♥♥♥

This part of my blog has strong opinions, some swearing, and a naked zombie at the end. Not safe for work, whiny people who don’t like strong language, or for those Pattern-Please bitches…

So, I know I’ve written about this before, but I’ve seen it happen lately, and it still gets me all crazed.   It’s the Pattern-Please Princesses again… That’s their new name. And Princess isn’t a compliment…she’s a sort of useless, overentitled good-for-nothing.    For you who aren’t hookers, Pattern-Please Princesses are the ones whose comment on a picture of a lovely creation that has been crocheted, or knitted, is “Pattern please,” like that makes their harpy like shrieks better. I’d like to smack them.

You are a hooker, and you have designed something SOOOO wonderful. It’s truly exactly how you envisioned it.  You put up a picture of your creation, a piece of your soul.  And some idiot comes along with “Pattern please.”  Yes, they deserved to be slapped in the face.

I don’t create patterns, I don’t work from patterns (except for socks and gloves, but then they’re patterns where I choose the yarn and needles, make a gauge swatch, and measure the hands or feet–very personal items, made for a specific person).  I realize that’s not really the norm. I don’t like patterns for most things… to me, it’s like using someone else’s words to tell my story, someone else’s skills to create MY vision.  But some hookers, knitters too I imagine, see something lovely, cute, amazing, and then instead of FIRST complimenting the artist on how much work went into it, what a wonderful creation it is, just want the instructions for themselves…ugh, they annoy me so.

Last weekend I was looking at micro-crochet to share in a community I help admin, and I saw some very amazing little creatures.  I found them on flickr, and was looking through the pictures, when I saw them… the Pattern Please Princesses.  On one picture in particular, there were 3 of these shrews, not one of them told the artist anything about how lovely, how much work went into creating them, not one bit about how they were envious of her skill. Just pattern please, and when the artist said she didn’t create patterns, they harassed her. “Why not” “When will it be up?” “Can’t you just write down what you did really quick”  One bitch kept on, asking “Can’t you just go look at it and write down some numbers for me? It can’t be that hard to count.”  She, in particular,  deserves a double slap.  What. The. Hell.

If you are one of these princesses, my opinion of you is amazingly low.  You must not know what it takes to have an idea and create a thing from just your idea.  I’m not talking about the folks who use patterns for most everything they create, I’m talking about the jerks who think everything should be a pattern, given away for free, so that you can create  everything you want.  They kind of remind me of Gollum from Lord of the Rings… I imagine them hording patterns in some filing system, stroking their preciouses.

This is in red, for effect.  If you are a Pattern Please Princess, yes, I do want to slap you, you deserve it.  You CAN change.  IF YOU NEED A PATTERN, and I use need loosely, because well, that’s just a crock of shit, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL YOU FIND HOLY, COMPLIMENT THE ARTIST!!!!!!  Your creation is lovely/amazing/so very cute! I’ve not seen anything I like so much/It’s just the most wonderful _______/ You are so very talented/It must have taken you so much focus to create the great detail/The stitching is so lovely… You get the idea.  Compliment the work you like so much. It doesn’t cost you anything, and obviously you think the creation is wonderful, you want to make one. THEN, after a few sentences of praise, then, you may ask if there might be a pattern.  IF THERE IS NOT, OR WON’T BE, DROP IT. Keeping at it makes people embarassed for you, you look like some jerk who just won’t move on. Really.  I’ve deleted comments because I couldn’t look at the begging anymore.  It’s desperate. And shallow.  If there’s no pattern and there won’t be, say thank you and move along.

I will always wonder about the real lives of Pattern Please Princesses. Are they so very annoying in the real world? How did they get to be that way?  Why didn’t someone just tear into them just once?  How were they never set straight by someone in their lives, a family member, a “friend,” a boss? How did they just not get told “not everything is for you.”  I probably seem a bit sensitive about it, but after coming across about a dozen creations where the Princesses just hounded the artist without properly praising first, I began to just feel so ashamed of those other hookers.  So much so I had to go looking at other art, just to find a picture of something that the comments didn’t say “tell me how you made that exactly.”

I actually don’t belong to many crochet groups, communities, because I can’t stand the Princesses, and they are in every group, looking for patterns, wanting to know why some won’t share.  One Princess told me that in order to join their community I had to share a pattern of my own creation, for free.  My exact words were “Fuck your community.”   A bit harsh, maybe.  But I’m not a Princess, and couldn’t possibly hang out with them. I just wanted her to know I don’t belong with them.  I am so. much. more than that.

So…that’s been my week. Finishing Mikey,  starting Zombie Lucy, being inspired to create some new things, being annoyed by Princesses.  Just another week…  Hopefully I’ll be able to show you  more of Lucy next time, right now she’s just a faceless zombie with underpants.

Zombie Lucy and my grinch by Kim's Sticks and Strings Zombie Lucy's pink undies, by Kim's Sticks and Strings

Have a good week, Keep it creepy!!!

Hey Look! Another Post!

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Hello Lovelies!!!

So, the end of the year is here, we’re down to counting days or hours even before the end.  I’ve always liked New Year’s, endings, beginnings, old stuff is gone, we made it one more year!  I like to take stock of the year, so very much happens in one year’s time.

I never really like to think in terms of good year-bad year. Certainly some are better than others, some are smoother, uneventful, some are exciting, not always for the better…  But as I get older, I just like to look at what has happened, the good and the bad together. When you’re in the middle of the bad, it seems like forever, but looking back over the year…things are different.

This was a big year for me. I started this blog, got past, kind of, my hangups about not having anything to say that someone would read.  And look at me, some of you DO read what I write!  Kisses.  And I’ve tried to stay pseudo-regular with it, and will try to do so next year…YES, I will be continuing on next year!  I’m going to try to go back to a once a week posting, even if there’s “nothing” to post.  

I made a lot of bigger dolls this year too!  Medusa is 18″ long, Rachel is 12″ tall, and the Clay golem is 18″ tall.  There were a couple of 10″ Cthulhus, and Blue was more than 9″ tall, as well.

Image1037     Image1377     clay golem

Image697     Image2553

I stretched myself,  always trying to make things look more like the image in my head, or the image I’m working from.  Calvin and Hobbes made me work.  They’re so popular, they have a specific look, so they couldn’t just be a blonde boy in a red shirt with a tiger, they had to look “right.”  Samara, too, was a very intense doll to make. I sewed all her wee hairs in by hand, AND I really did want her to look as creepy and close to Samara Morgan as I could get her.

Calvin and Hobbes by Kim's Sticks and Strings     1SamaraMorgan

I learned to  do a thread joint on bear legs, and  have come up with my own skull pattern that I like to use, very good for sugar skulls.

AshCareBear,Kim's Sticks and Strings     skullgrinchcollage

There were some less than wonderful things. It took me half the year to find a job. I DO really like my job, so I’m pretty ok with it all now, but it did take forever, it seemed.  My husband did go to the hospital for about a week for depression and anxiety.  It seems like forever ago, but it was at the end of September. He’s taking his meds, and while they may not be perfect, they’re going pretty well for him right now.  I’m so very happy things weren’t worse for him, or that he didn’t really need to be gone for any longer, I was a bit of a wreck while he was gone. Onward.

I’m so very very glad for all the connections I’ve made over the last year. I have made some very wonderful, supportive friends, you know who you are, and I just adore knowing you! In a perfect world we could all get together somehow, but I appreciate you sharing your lives with me.  I have also become closer to some friends who I’d made before 2013, people who helped talk me through the bad times, and made me smile and laugh all year long. I feel so very lucky to know such wonderful people. You are my friends, my support, comic relief, my muses, the thoughtful people who know just what to say, people who make me think, and dream.  I thank you all.

So, what do I want for this year?   I’m still more than happy to help people realize their dreams, sometimes, very creepy, in yarn. I’m hoping to learn to build in some time to create some dolls I’ve been thinking about, and to make some more sugar skulls.

I’m hoping the job continues to be as cool and fun as it is now. I, and the husband, would like for him to have a job; he’s had some very promising interviews, so he’s just playing the waiting game.

I will work being more mindful, on self-acceptance, and remembering to cherish my loved ones every day, our time here is so fleeting.

I will get back to reading more regularly– I read every day I was off the last week, it was fantastic!  And there will be more contests this year with spawn for the prize! Maybe not story contests, I’d like to try to switch it up!!!  OH, and YARNBOMBING!!!  Yes, more of that!!!

So here’s a picture of the last spawn I will have finished for 2013.  I wanted to create something I’d not had an order for, just start making and see what happened. I started this faery… he was very therapeutic, and so much fun. More things like this will happen in the new year.  So here is Gorman, the Water Sprite, my last finished spawn for the year. He’s already got a  home, I’m so happy, and will be making his way there starting New Year’s Eve.

waterspritecollage

Keep it creepy, my lovelies!!!

Sorry inactive for so long…

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So…I bet you thought that my blog had just gone inactive… or maybe just hoped, but not so…

I have found it hard to blog lately, for a few reaasons, but none “really” good.

~Still having the “nothing is really going on with me” feelings, nothing but my regular life to chat about, not a lot of outrage I need to express. And most of you who read this also facebook with me and/or we follow each other on twitter,  so you know what’s going on…  I find it hard to chronicle my day to day stuff… I’ve always wondered about blogs, why would I need one? Is my life so interesting/different/noteworthy to anyone that I need to spend time writing this down? The answer is a resounding “no” but still I try.  I was pretty good at staying on a schedule, but life makes things… happen here and there, and it did get left behind. I am trying to pick it back up, some sort of weird, random torture, but you know, different strokes and all.

~I’ve been crazy busy the last month with orders, and  there wasn’t much wiggle room for time in between.  I’m the only one to blame, I stacked myself that way. I’d like to try to give myself a bit more wiggle room in between this coming year, maybe a bit of time in between to make something that’s been in my head… Most of my deadlines are a bit self-imposed, folks pay for their spawn and wait, super patiently, so I feel like I’ve got to get them out…but this year, a few more things out of my head.

~I’ve been sleeping a bit later on weekends, when I usually blog. Now let me start this by saying that, for me, late means 6:15 or later.  I’m a notoriously early waker. I’m usually awake by 5:30, if not earlier, but bed is comfortabler than the harsh, cold-floored world.  This bit of time is usually when I read, and blogged.  *huge wide eyes* I haven’t read any books for about 2 months, I’m kind of going through withdrawls.  A consequence of not getting up that early, is that everything gets pushed back about an hour.  In the morning, I sit, check messages, facebook, twitter, look at my order calendar, wake up, and then make coffee. Reading happens before the facebook and stuff. I usually like to fill my mind with a different world, something creepy and monstrous, something different, other-worldly.  It’s like feeding my imagination.  Since I haven’t read for a bit, I feel a bit empty.  I don’t have a kindle, or laptop even, and I like to read in the super quiet, but all my ebooks are on my computer, so once the husband is up, there’s no reading to be done, the world is too busy for me to read.

The morning is my thinking time, my time for peace. I try to find things to make it a good day, something to inspire me. Staying in bed gives me less “me-time,” sad though that is.

~I also feel like I should write “an appropriate amount.”  I have no specific number of words, or amount of  things I should tell you before I can consider it an appropriate blogpost.  I seem to like to impose these irrational requirements on myself, without completely deciding perameters…I must like to keep myself guessing…good going self…  when I give myself a chance to read blogs, I read  all kinds. Not all have yarn, many are art, reading, horror… lots of horror blogs… Some are long, some are short. Very short.

~Lastly, for me, still comes how hard it is to share me.  There are still the mean voices, the nasties, the rudes, the ones that ask me why would anyone care? read? care. I tell myself I can do this, others do it, some seem to have no problem telling all kinds of stuff about themselves, whether of note, or not. They tell me that if I stop sharing, writing about what’s going on, about my life, about me, no one will care, know, care.  I say I will. I will know… and I might care.  They say no one.  I say, well, at least I get it off my chest, out of my head.  There’s so much to get out, I need to make room.  I need to get the negative out of my head, make room for the monsters the creatures I want to create, there’s no room for them AND the nasty rude voices. It’s hard to create when my mind is filled with “the badness,” so I write, to try to get them out. 

So, you know what this means, don’t you… I will have to start getting up early, reading again, and blogging again.  I can’t say as the blog will be weekly like before, but I can’t say that it won’t. Not sure what I’ll be trying this year, FOR SURE.  Though, my friend T suggested that she and I watch horror flicks this year, and we’re going to write down some trivia questions. Later on in the year, to give us time, I’ll put up some trivia questions about horror flicks, and will probably make another spawn to give away, make it like a contest.

I’ll be sharing my spawn, as well. I feel a bit odd about sharing them AGAIN, I put them on facebook, twitter, pinterest and deviantART, but I guess the cool part of it being MY blog is that I can share…

I will have an extra day or so off before the end of the year, so I’ll write one more post this year, sort of my year in review, and plans for the new year, but it won’t be before christmas.  We don’t do a lot, but spend the day together, so it’s nice.

Before I end this post, I will share a picture of something I made for fun. My friend from WORM FOOD Studios (on facebook https://www.facebook.com/YOUAREWORMFOOD) had a contest, he wanted a picture of santa, being eaten by a worm. I didn’t win the contest, but here was my entry:

santa eaten by a worm, kims sticks and strings

 

If you celebrate, have a lovely holiday. And until next time, keep it creepy!!!

My not so blog-worthy life…

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Hello dear ones.  It’s been a long time, I know. Going to try to give you the gist of what’s been going on.

Last time was the  Halloween contest, which was fantastic!  If you haven’t read the Halloween stories, up top of my blog there are titles, one says “My Halloween Contest”–that’s all the entries for my contest.  The winner, Fatima, won my green Franken-monster. I just got a picture of Fatima and Frank, they look happy together!!!

Since then, I’ve finished my Ash CareBear.  Just in case it doesn’t ring a bell, he’s patterned after this CareBear drawying by yayzus

Evil_Dead_Ash_care_bear_by_4unt3r     AshCareBear,Kim's Sticks and Strings

He’s about 12″ tall standing, but he can sit as well.   His bloody chainsaw and “boomstick” are made of polymer clay, but the rest is yarn/thread.  I really enjoyed making him, I really do love the different things folks ask me to make.  I shared him with the deviantART artist, he dug him!

Also working on a skull pattern, one that can be closed or left open.  I’ve only made one, and she was a learning experience, but I decided she was cool enough that I needed her to be my first sugar skull of my own entire design.  Here she is

my sugar skull, Kim's Sticks and Strings

 

Definitely a learning experience, now I need to make a few changes, and make sure to sew in the eyes before closing the bottom.   This skull pattern has been eluding me for awhile, which bothers me.  I can make an Ash CareBear in a few days’ time but the skull keeps me at a distance. Partly because I’ve been wanting to create one that can be left open, or close it, maybe that’s harder to do.  Also, I’ve been fighting with stylistic and realistic.  At some point I want to make a realistic looking skull. I just know it will be a big labor of love, and then I probably won’t want to stuff it.  Realistic skull on the back burner, I’m sure it will take me a few weeks once I start it…back burner for sure.

Regular old life is keeping me on my toes, I guess.    Near the end of September, my husband, who has always had some anxiety and depression issues, but to the extent I did not know, really started to feel more hopeless.  He’s been out of work for a bit, and things haven’t felt quite right for him.  One Wednesday, while at work, I got a call from him, saying that he’s been feeling really down lately, and in the last day or so, didn’t have too many reasons to stick around.  For many years, he’s said I was the thing keeping him going at it day in and day out.  He didn’t want me to come home and find him.  But very recently, he’d had a harder time.  He went into the ER, and was there Wednesday afternoon through Friday night.  The doctors tried to get him to sign out, take home some light anti-anxiety meds, and call it good.  He still wasn’t convinced that he felt “better” and so went into an inpatient facility from Friday night through Monday.  There he got to see a doc, and a therapist daily, and was prescribed stronger meds, with a regular schedule.  Right now he’s on Klonapin,  twice a day,which is pretty strong, and Zoloft.  He’s not a fan of the Zoloft, he says it makes him feel a bit edgy, and he thinks his panic attacks have increased since being on it…there have been a few, usually when I’m not with him.  Then he takes something to help calm him, and that makes him sleepy.  He’s still getting used to the meds, though I’m hoping they’ll decrease the Klonapin a bit, he’s always has a hard time staying focused on some tasks, but lately he’s having more of the issues with walking into a room for something, and completely losing his original intent.  It’s bothering him some.

I’ve avoided dealing with it for over a month now.  It’s really easy to do.  I just get involved with day to day stuff, job 3 times a week, my crochet orders, and regular chores.  If I just stuff it away, I won’t have to really think that at one point, my husband could have decided that he wouldn’t maybe feel quite as bad if I found his body.  I didn’t know it was that bad.  He isn’t exactly forthcoming about that stuff,  emotions and feelings and whatnot.   He comes from an original family with issues, his mum shouldn’t have been a mum, his parents had problems and divorced, and his mother did what many do, threw all her rage for her husband at my husband.  She’s terrible, I’ve met her and dislike her to my core.  So, he’s got anxiety, which he used to stave off by extreme mountain biking, long ago, but after breaking his heel, that’s really not an option. He used to fish more, I think he needs that outlet again, probably next year since it’s already fall now.    He says a job will help, though with the meds, I worry.  He’s got an interview for a gig in a couple days, the commute is 2 1/2 hours, one way.  I don’t know how I feel about it, but he wants to try, so of course I’ll let him.

Daily I worry.  Some days I come home and the house is clean, and dinner is nearly ready, and he feels good.  We message back and forth, and it’s a good day.  Other days he tells me it’s an “Everyone Can Go Fuck Themselves” day, he’s struggled to get a few things done, and says he feels like an 8 year old who wants to run away.   I just have to take each day as it comes, and it’s hard.  I go to work before he’s offiically awake, so I never know what to do to try to ensure it’s a good day, and I know I can’t, but I so want to try.  And I’m tired.  I am trying really hard not to worry, but it’s what I do.  I’ve always been a worrier.  As a child I worried if what I did would cause my mother to yell, now I worry I haven’t been upbeat enough. I know rationally my worrying can’t do anything, except give me the headaches and neckaches I’ve had for a few weeks now,  but it’s something I’ve done all my life.  I’ve worried all my life about how my actions would affect/anger others, and changed myself because I was worried what could happen.  And I’m tired of it.  Other people seem to get through the day without worrying, hell, without caring at all how their actions affect others.  There has to be a happy medium for me.

Through all this, I have had a few friends that knew all about this, and I am SO thankful for them.  Just being able to say things to someone else is a relief.    I feel a bit eggshell-y at home sometimes, so my friends who help me through this are amazing.  I love you all, you know who you are!  Hell, my boss’ mum gets lots of love though this too!!!  Not only was she at work the day the husband called me and went to the hospital, but she asks every couple of days about him, lets me vent, and is very lovely!  The most amazing individual is my dog Penny Crane.   She seems to know when he’s having a hard time.  He usually goes to his bed and covers up, she goes to him, and lies next to him .  She’s the one individual he will attend to daily.  She kind of demands it.  She wants to play ball, like…every minute she is awake.  BUT, when she senses he needs it, goes and lies down with him, no matter the time of day, or how long.  She is amazing.  I love her very much.

PennyCrane and Brainy

 

So…this is what has been keeping me from blogging.  None of my work was really blog-worthy, really, in my head.  I wasn’t outraged by anyone stealing or being rude.   And my husband was having some emotional troubles and dealing with it all is hard.  Still is.  I cried while writing this entire blog. and while I know that I really need to deal with it more, I’m kind of tired of blowing my nose, and wiping my tears.  I’m hopefully done crying today, though some of you usually comment, so I’ll cry again. But it’s the weekend, and I don’t want to cry on my days off.   So know you’ll probably hear more about this.  Right now I’m gonna get some more coffee and put on a horror flick, try to get lost in yarn…

Keep it creepy!!!

Where I completely admit to being obsessed… or all the crazy little bits I put into creating a couple spawn

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Hello my lovelies!

It’s been 2 weeks since the last post, and while I sit here I wonder why it is that it’s been 2 weeks, why didn’t I just sit and do this last weekend?  I was sitting her trying to figure out what it is that kept me…ooooooh… I had my creation blinders on!  With most of my projects, I can put the doll down, and pick up something else, a different project, a different activity, and I’m fine.   I can switch gears and make something else, or do something else, and the project is safely tucked away in part of my brain, I make/take notes for myself about the current state of things, and what I’d like to do next time I pick it up.  But not my last order.  I was making a Pink-toe Tarantula and Samara Morgan from the movie The Ring, for Rick, a really cool artist and tattoo artist friend.  Rick is a creepy-crawly lover, so the spider was going to be life-sized, which is slightly harder than one thinks.  Most measurements are note exact, spiders don’t seem to love to be measured, PLUS, straight leg-length is hard to get on a spider since they’re bent, in life (straight leg measurements are usually post-mortem activities)  Well with all the knowledge a non-spider person can get (at least 2 hours searching and tarantula sites) I started on the PinkToe.  They’re actually quite lovely, with long, vibrant pink hairs all over their bodies, my thoughts turned to how to get those right.  This was not going to be a project where fun-fur could be used, that would NOT be ok.  I got very shiny, very fine, polyester thread, black and hot pink, and sewed them in by hand.  Crazy, obsessed? Maybe.  But my tarantula looks quite like a real tarantula rather than a crocheted spider, even though it’s slightly larger than life-sized.

Image1861 Image1862

 

When I was working on the spider, I was obsessed. Possibly because sewing in the hairs on the legs and body just took a long time, but I don’t think I could have done it any other way.  The spider needed to look big and hairy, like it did in my head  I really wanted to take some forced perspective pictures of her destroying Sacramento, but my next project was Samara Morgan, and I was more obsessed.

When I say obsessed, I really mean it.  I didn’t want to work on other projects, and even upcoming projects didn’t interest me, and I always am excited about what I’ll be working on coming up!!!  I didn’t want to read, and I never seem to get enough regular reading time,, certainly not daily, and almost not at all while working on her.  If I was going to sit down, I wanted to work on her.  OBSESSED!!!

The other part of my obsession is that when I’m making something that has a definite look, but more than that, an absolute look.  Frankenstein’s monster has a look, but he’s changed a bit here and there, due to artist interpretation. Samara Morgan has an absolute look, super creepy, pale blue-ish with deep black cracks and slimy grey-ish black gunk on her skin, a long dress that is blackened with slime at the hem and bottom of the sleeves, and long, hanging black hair…but it more than just hangs, it has some eerie, creepiness to it…  This was not going to be a doll that could have yarn hair, it had to be fine, and hang just the right way.  Crochet thread approached the right look, but wasn’t as shiny as I needed this to be (shiny thread makes her hair look a bit like it’s wet, like it does in the movies)

(When I start a new doll, I often give a cursory look out there at other artists’ dolls of the same characters, looking for inspiration, but rarely do I look at crochet versions, those aren’t what I want mine to look like.  Let me qualify that~ When I searched for Samara Morgan art dolls there were the plastic/vinyl/clay/porcelain versions, the ones that really tried to grasp the creepiness, really tried to get her look.  Crochet versions were pale in color, with some sort of dress, black hair, sometimes safety eyes, sometimes just a frowny face……many I wouldn’t have known they were Samara Morgan except that’s what I searched for.  I realize, I really do, that it’s MY craziness/vision/obsession.  I need my version to look as much like the thing as I can get it to.  Part of that is the details.  “Details, baby, details.”)

First off, she’s small,  Not my smallest doll yet, I think the zombie fairy I made for my friend Teeni is my smallest whole doll (I’ve made small zombie torsos, but Zombie fairy, Pipette, is small.

pipette

 

Anyway, Samara is just 6′ tall, and made thin. She’s also, at the suggestion of my friend Teeni, pale blue.  In the movie she always had a pale blue to her skin, and though the yarn I used  is paler than she is, it did the trick.  She also seemed to me to have a definite order, mostly for convenience, but I had to do her face first, I needed some creepiness.  I used black embroidery floss for some of the cracks in her face.  Her eyes were grey, with a line of red and tan threads under each eye, because her eyes are reddish underneath.  I also painted on, with acrylic paints, some of the black and greyish slime that covers her skin…she really is dirty from being down in the well.  While the hair, the very last thing I did was the most time-consuming, the dress is the thing that caused me the most freakouts, not big ones mind you, but ones that cause me to need another pair of eyes to tell me it’s ok…thanks T!  I don’t sew.  Ok, let me re-phrase that.  I don’t have a machine, or real sewing skills–since I’ve never had a machine of my own, I’ve never really practiced, and though I’m certain I could learn to follow fairly simple patterns, the fact remains that all my sewing is done by hand, and kind on-the-fly.   Like in most of my creations, I don’t really make patterns for the pieces I have to sew, I just do a quick sketch on the wrong side of the fabric and sew–which is a lot harder to do for the unskilled when the dress is for a 6″ doll!  UGH, TURNING THE DRESS RIGHT SIDE OUT SUCKED DONKEY BALLS!  (Disclaimer: I don’t REALLY know what that is like, but I’m sure it’s bad!  I coffee stained her dress. and used black acrylic paint to get the right color.  Then finally time to sew in her hair!  I used the same black polyester thread i did for the tarantula, it’s really shiny, and hangs just the right way.  I’d sew in 4-4 thicknesses of thread at a time, just to increase the coverage, but it still took quite awhile, since I used superfine thread.

I put her away for a day, I usually put dolls I spend a lot of time on away for a day. I need fresher eyes.  I get detail blind–I only focus on the small things…the dress probably came out a bit too dark and still smells a bit like coffee… her skin isn’t quite the right blue… her face could have been attended to a bit more…    There are always things that eat at me, sometimes way past the message that they’ve arrived and are currently being adored!  Yep, some of my dolls haunt me!   Usually once I get the message, I’m good…but there are a few of my spawn that I just…want to……leave just the way they are because they are loved, and that sheer fact amazes me every single time.  I am always so in awe that people come to me, and often tell me they’ve wanted something like this for awhile and trust me to help create their vision…  which is always always always, all in the details.

So here she is, I love her, I think she’s the creepiest doll I’ve made yet.  My creepy little dead girl

1SamaraMorgan

 

And here are the PinkToe and Samara leaving me Friday

Image1916

 

I’ve since started a new project, a witch similar to one I made a couple of years ago for a very lovely lady.  The witch is a lot of fun, being much more subjective, with just some color specificities.  I love the project, am not obsessed, and it feels easier, *sigh*.  Not that I don’t like creating specific characters, I SO do!  I love working on  really specific creations, they really make me work and push myself, but I do also like a break of other creations in between.  Also, I started trying to come up with a crochet skull pattern of my very own, one that will look good as just a skull, but also will be good for creating sugar skulls with! i want to yarn bomb with some, hopefully for Dia de los Muertos!  Oh, and I need to make some more mary-jane slippers, my toes are chilly in the morning, it’s almost fall here in northern-california!

So, I guess this was all the stuff that’s been in my head the last couple of weeks.  I was really too  “all about the spawn” to even sit down and write about how much they can take over my life.  Luckily I have a really understanding husband who doesn’t mind so much that he has to remind me to come up for air and get out of my head for a bit (his words are different, same sentiment…he’s not gonna read this).

It’s September now, which means it’s almost time for me to announce my contest.   Also have to get to making those prizes.  Stay tuned for occasional pictures of those, and for the halloween story contest, I’ll be reminding folks here and on my page, and will be posting all the entries here on my blog just like for the Easter Bunny stories.  OOOO, just for what’s going to happen in the future, I’M GOING TO BE MAKING A KRAMPUS THIS YEAR, WOOHOO!!!

Thanks for reading and commenting and putting up with the weirdness! and KEEP IT CREEPY!!!